


learning to lie here in the quiet light.

by commonemergency



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 01:24:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19842640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonemergency/pseuds/commonemergency
Summary: Routine was something that he needed, and while he dreaded doing this a couple times a week it was one of the only things keeping him afloat. He didn’t worry about all the scary thoughts hanging over his head. He didn’t have to think about the fact that soon there would be a video—a video that would explain why he disappeared and where he went.or dan goes for a jog.





	learning to lie here in the quiet light.

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know what this is. i feel like that's been the theme with my last couple of stories. sorry. 
> 
> i've been suffering through writers block but i had some dialogue i wanted to write out. 
> 
> ps: i went to vidcon and during the night of awesome dan talked about joining the london marathon so this is set before that.

The air feels thick for such an early morning. He never thought he’d be one of those people to get up so early to go for a run, but here he was. He’s sweating, his heart racing, and his legs feel wobbly if he stops for more than a few seconds but he feels good. He feels like he’s doing something—working towards something that’s much bigger than himself. It’s something that Dan needs, _to be able to be something bigger than himself._

(For someone so tall—for someone who feels like they take up too much space in the world—he felt so small, like nothing. It was a very complicated thing about him.) 

He’s at one of his favourite parks, he watches as the baby ducks follow their mother down the stream. He walks over to the edge, crouching down and feeling a little bit of accomplishment at the fact that squatting like this doesn’t hurt as much as it did before he started working out. 

He takes another drink from the water bottle and grabs his phone from the arm band and takes a picture of the baby ducks to send to Phil to see for whenever he wakes up. 

It’s far too early to be expecting a reply back anytime soon. Dan couldn’t sleep last night. He kept tossing and turning before eventually he made camp out in the living room on the couch watching something that could numb his mind but nothing seemed to work. It was just the stress of everything was getting to him, the feeling of loss in a way that was too complex to explain. 

He stands up, he stretches, for this brief moment, he is in control of his body. He has a route that he goes on, this is one of his stops. Routine was something that he needed, and while he dreaded doing this a couple times a week it was one of the only things keeping him afloat. He didn’t worry about all the scary thoughts hanging over his head. He didn’t have to think about the fact that soon there would be a video—a video that would explain why he disappeared and where he went. 

The feeling pokes at his heart and he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He starts to run again. Dan runs until his feet start to burn, Dan runs until his sides start to ache, Dan runs until he feels like he’s going to fall. 

And when he stops he’s at the edge of the park, the little family of ducks have already made their way there. For travelling in a small pack they are fast and mighty. 

Dan places his hands over his head, and he takes deep breaths. Sometimes he forgets why he’s doing this. It was too ambitious, too out of his league, and Dan was really good at starting things and failing behind the scenes. 

Too many times had he set up his camera and went over the lines of a script that he’s been practicing for years only for him to stop in the middle of it because it didn’t feel right. Too many times had his optimism be blind sided by clouded thoughts—it got so bad sometimes he couldn’t see the end for months. 

Maybe this marathon would be another thing on the list of things started and failed.  
Maybe his video would be another memory cartridge left to the dust. 

It was too much. 

It took a long time for Dan to learn to walk. 

He had forced himself to run so much that by the end of it he was just left a breathless mess with an aching sides and pain that felt like it would never end. 

He walks now. 

Phil says it’s okay to. 

He bites his bottom lip, turning his music down low. 

The sun is just starting to wake up, the cold temperature just starting to get a little bit warmer. He takes another drink from his water bottle and he presses on. 

It was just an ordinary day, but even ordinary days felt long and clouded. 

*

Dan goes to their favourite bakery and he orders coffees and gets two donuts and he brings them home to Phil who’s still not awake yet but will appreciate the gesture because he always does. 

Dan takes a shower, and he gets dressed and he sits at the table with his laptop in place and he opens a word document and he just starts to type and write whatever he feels—whatever he comes to mind. It’s something his therapist wants him to do more, too often Dan just didn’t say anything in fear that what he would say wouldn’t come across right, he knows the repercussions of that all too well, so he let’s them out here. Sometimes it’s only a few words, but today he writes about the weather and the group of ducks. 

He doesn’t realise he’s written a full page until he gets pulled away from it by the sound of Phil. He yawns loud enough to let Dan know that he’s awake. 

“Did you go for a run?” Phil asks, sitting down across the table from Dan. 

“Yeah.” Dan nods, turning his head slightly. “I got something for you over there.” 

Phil lifts his head and sees the donut and coffee waiting on the island. 

“You’re the best.” Phil says with a smile, he gets up and grabs it and sits next to Dan. 

He chews thoughtfully, and takes small sips to savour the sugary taste. 

“How was your run?” Phil asks in between chews. 

Dan sighs. 

“Fine. I just don’t want to exist today.” 

Dan was trying his best to not drop things like that, but he was trying to be more honest with his emotions, just sometimes those emotions sucked and they were vulnerable and painful. 

Phil rips off a piece of his donut and waits for Dan to open his mouth. 

“I have a donut.” Dan says with a small smile. 

“Yes, but you don’t have my donut.” Phil says, poking Dan’s side. 

If Phil is sharing his food this early in the morning then that must mean something. 

“I am okay though.” Dan says to reassure whatever wheels might be turning. “It’s just um…. Everything feels too much sometimes. I’m just one person… and that’s overwhelming to be just one person when you have so much going on in your head. It just gets too loud and crowded for anything else.” 

Phil rested against Dan’s side, watching Dan type his feelings before Dan got tired of typing. Phil watches the way that Dan’s body sags with his sigh. 

“For what it’s worth—I think you’re doing great.” Phil whispers before squeezing his arm and getting up to throw his trash away. 

Dan sits there for a moment, and he doesn’t say anything back to that comment. Sometimes Phil could mend a problem with just a simple touch and a few kind words. They went a long way. Dan gulps and he gets up, closing his computer for the day, he’s done what he could. 

“I think I’m going to sleep. I didn’t get much last night.” 

“I’ll join you.” Phil says with a smile. He grabs the food and the drink Dan didn’t eat and places it in the fridge for whenever he was ready. 

“You just woke up.” Dan says. 

Phil shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t care.” 

Dan would roll his eyes but the thought of being able to sleep with someone next to him sounded really fucking nice right now. 

(Phil often felt like the hand that Dan couldn’t see but could feel during those clouded moments. He didn’t have to see Phil to know that he was there and that he was leading him the best that he could when Dan couldn’t get past the thick of it.) 

Dan slides into bed and he stares at their floor and all the clothes that he needs to pick up later, he’s eyeing his running pants and he closes his eyes. He feels Phil getting into bed and pulling Dan back to rest against him. 

“I’m so tired.” Dan says, and he lets it hang in the air until it drops. 

“I know.”

“I don’t want to let people down.” 

“You won’t.” 

Dan squeezes Phil’s hand that rests against him. 

“How do you know?” 

“I don’t. I just know people love you enough to understand.” 

Dan feels Phil press his lips against the back of his neck and then down to his shoulder blades. 

“Things are going to change soon.” Dan feels the anxiety start to build up again. 

“That’s okay. Change is good.” Phil intervenes with the lifeboat and his hands reached out for him. 

“Change is terrifying.” 

“Something can be both terrifying and good at the same time.”

Dan takes another deep breath. 

“I love you.” 

Dan can feel his smile against his back. 

“I clearly love you too. I gave you the best part of my donut.”

Dan snorts. “You’re the worst.” 

“I think you said best? My hearing sort of cut out there.” 

Dan shakes his head and turns his body around so he can look at Phil. 

“I’m going to try and sleep now. I just wanted to face you.” 

Phil tucks him underneath his chin. They won’t stay like this for long, Dan moved around in his sleep too much, but for now this was good. 

“I’ll be here when you wake up.” 

Amidst all of the uncertainty that his future would bring, he knew that this would be true.

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos appreciated! 
> 
> follow me on tumblr/twitter: **@nihilismdan.**
> 
> [reblog](https://nihilismdan.tumblr.com/post/186346963968/learning-to-lie-here-in-the-quiet-light-pairing) on tumblr.


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